Secret World
05.25.06 (1:01 am) [edit]This is my secret world, the one where no one knows what I am saying or how I feel. And that is good. I think I need that or else my little world on ******* is just covered by hawks reading my every word, which is expected although it can be annoying some day, but whatever!
Wow
04.29.06 (1:59 pm) [edit]Well, its been quite some time since I've written here. I currently have an account on myspace but it seems that everyone I know has an account, and they read my shit and it annoys me half of the time. So, I found my old password and decided to post on tblog. Oh well, this feels a bit better. Anyways, hope all is well in the world.
HERE I AM
05.12.05 (12:32 am) [edit]Here I am, alone again.... I cant wait until Michael returns to me. I look forward to spending my time with him. Enjoying the love of my life. All is well I suppose. Although it could be better. But its Michaels time to shine and I wont take that away from him!
So Close
05.10.05 (10:44 pm) [edit]Havent been around in forever. Michael graduates on friday. We get married in two months and then we move to Missouri to start our lives. I am excited yet fearful at the same time. I have so many things going on right now and I'm just not sure if my mind can take it. I read my poetry last night at some bar and people showed real interest. It felt good to be recognized for what I try to do. I am so lost in my own head that sometimes I lose sight of it all!
Welcome Back
03.07.05 (11:04 am) [edit]Havent been here in quite some time. A lot has manifested in the last few weeks. I turned 21 on the 16th of February. Michael only has two months left of school, how exciting. I am pretty worn out. I quit my first morning job, and have applied for a second one. Still working strong though. Gotta run... miss you all. God Bless.
I Am So Sick Of His Shit
01.14.05 (7:58 pm) [edit]He is a selfish and caught up in the 1920's. Michael was upset with me because I was at my friends house when he got home from school. Apparently, that is my fault. He yelled at me and told me to "get my shit together." What the fuck? Who the hell does he think he is? I am so sick of him right now, I will never forget his pathetic attempts to make me feel bad. I was abused once, locked away, not allowed to live my life. I will never go through that shit again. NEVER! I dont give a fuck if he thinks he's going to marry me or not. He can kiss my ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I Look Back
01.11.05 (7:09 pm) [edit]When I look back, I remember the things that scared me. I remember the fear of loneliness. The thought of growing ld alone allowed me to trap myself into a box of torment. I am so surprised as to how I climbed out of that hole.
Michael and I talked yesterday. I cried as I told him how much it hurts me to see him walk away from me everyday. When he drives away, a part of me leaves with him and I feel lost in my own misery. Michael was upset that I was so angry at the fact that he was leaving. I wish that I wasnt so emotional. I feel a million things when he leaves me. I wish that things were different. That he could be closer to me every day. I know that he is far away for the best. I know that this is for our future and I should be grateful. But sometimes it is hard to be so understanding when I am lonely. Sometimes, I think back to when I didnt care about my life. There was a time when I thought my life was never going to get anywhere. But when I met Michael, I just knew that things were different. I just knew. His presence changed me! God, I love him!
Not What I Had Expected
01.10.05 (3:47 pm) [edit]I am trying to take it easy. My knee has been acting up so I went to the doctors office today. I took X-RAYS and now all I can do is wait. The doctor thought that I might be dealing with bone detiriation (sp). If it is then I have to have surgery. If its not then I have to take an MRI on Monday to see if it is a pinched nerve or something. If that is the case, then I would have to have surgery for that as well. I guess, I just dont know what to expect. I am a little nervous because I have never had surgery before but I also think that it is just something minor. I guess I hust have to wait and see and hope that it is all going to be okay!
Lost In My Own World
01.09.05 (10:21 pm) [edit]I cant explain my thoughts. They run through my head endlessly. I am so sick and tired of all of this pain! Michael goes back to school tomorrow. We only have 4 months left to go. I am so sick of all that has been going on. I am tired of being lonely. How can I have my fiance and he is 2 hours away. So lonely. Everyday is another burden, another test of my love. Sometimes I cant handle this. I wish that things could be better.I admitted to Michael yesterday that I want to have a baby. I know that sounds so crazy, even to my ears but I do. Yet again, I must put my desires aside so that Michael can live his dream. The things I do for love. Lord help me! PLEASE!!!!!!!!
Survival of The Fittest
01.06.05 (9:01 am) [edit]Today is just another day. Trying to get by. I am so tired. Maybe its the weather. I am so out of it right now. Everyone says that it is so beautiful but I think it is a bunch of crap. I hate weather like this. Michael will come home tomorrow. I cant wait, it feels like it has been so long since I've seen him. But its only been 3 days. I cant wait to see him and hold him. I think back to how we started off. He is such an amazing person. No one wanted us to be together. I remember hiding in the back yard until his mother explained to his grandmother that I wasnt white. It is amazing how far we will come. Now the lady wont shut the hell up.
ICE STORM 2005
01.05.05 (5:23 pm) [edit]Kansas is under a big block of ice. It really sucks. Half of my house has no electricity while the other is just fine. I am just trying to go with the flow. Everyday feels like another barrier to climb over. But I guess we will get through it. Some people say that this is the beginning of the end. I dont think so but if it is, I guess we have no choice. What comes will come. God help us and keep us safe.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
01.01.05 (12:48 pm) [edit]Michael brought me a pink rose at midnight for new years. He said this is our year. The year I become his wife. I am so happy. I just got off of working a 23 hour shift. I am just thrilled that the new year has started. A sort of clean slate. I havent made any new years resolutions except one. I want to be a better fiance to Michael. I want to be understanding, a better listener, more outgoing. Just a better companion all together. Anyway, I will say bye now, I'm gonna go spend time with the love of my life. God bless and happy new year!
HE PROPOSED
12.28.04 (5:52 pm) [edit]Michael proposed on Christmas day after we opened our gifts. I cried like an absolute baby. It is a princess cut diamond on a cathedral tower. Gorgeous. I am so excited. We are putting our engagement announcement in the newspaper next week. I am exstatic. Christmas was good this year although Michaels grandmother insulted me after the fact. But they wont bring me down. Michael proposed and that is all I could possibly ask for!
HATE FILLED HEART
12.19.04 (7:19 pm) [edit]I dont know why but my mind tells me that I hate everything. I dont want to be around people, I dont want to deal with the bullshit of everyday life, I dont want to pretend like nothing is wrong. I dont want to be a part of this family, I dont want to get married this summer, I dont want to be a nobody for the rest of my fucking life. I am tired of always living for other people. For how long must I continue to do these things. I am so sick of hearing everyone tell me that I am young and that everything is going to be okay. I dont know how I am suppose to feel. Why cant I be one of those happy people. I dont understand why I always feel down and unwanted. I dont feel like I will ever amount to anything. And I probably wont so I guess its good that I dont get too excited about anything huh? Well, maybe I'm just one of those unlucky people. I dont want to get married just because that is the next step on the list. I want to know that I can do something for myself. I want to know that I can be somebody special in this world. I want to be able to be proud of myself. My fear is that I never will!
Screw The Holidays
12.19.04 (6:56 pm) [edit]I hate this time of year. I am the official scrooge. I dont like peoples happy faces and good cheer. It makes me so fucking sick. Every other day of the year we all hate each other but for Christmas, I am suppose to wish you all good spirits. Oh bite me. Maybe it is because I am so out of it. I am so sick of everything and everyone. I just wish I could run the hell away! Far away. Then...Maybe then I would be happy!
CANT PLEASE THE WORLD
12.10.04 (10:54 am) [edit]Michaels mother sat in her home yesterday and drank alcohol because I stressed her out. I drove her to drink. Just like I drove so many others to do so. She cried, apparently. I dont know what to feel anymore. I feel so alone. No family, no matter where I turn. We all hate eachother and the common factor is me. I think I can take a hint. I am so sick of all of the stress. I'll never have a family to call my own! Lord, have mercy on me. And show me the way to overcome all of this bullshit!
EMPTY SHELL
12.09.04 (12:40 pm) [edit]I am not happy. Just another typical day for me. Michaels grandmother said that she didnt buy me as many gifts as the boys because "I need to hurry up and marry Michael, go to church. say I do, and make him happy." Okay, to me, that feels like I am not a part of the family. Last year, they said that they didnt know what to buy me for Christmas because they didnt know if I would be around long enough. How depressing! I will never be a part of this family. Ever!
LALALA
12.09.04 (11:02 am) [edit]Just taking it easy. No one ever reads this thing. But thats okay. It doesnt really matter anyway. Christmas is coming and that is quite thrilling to me. I bought a whole bunch of stuff for the family although I still have a lot to get before this weekend is over. Payday is coming and I think I have all but 20 dollars planned for. Sad but true!
LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS
12.07.04 (10:47 am) [edit]Here I am, waiting for the days to pass. I am so excited to be moving. I hope that my current Landlord wont be a dick about it. I would like to get my deposit back and I think he might try to scheme me out of it. But we will fight it so I wont let it stress me right now. There are like 19 days left until Christmas. I cant wait. There is only one present under the tree, I dont expect much. At least someones getting me something. Its better than nothing. I hope all goes well. I gotta run, time for work soon. God bless!
SO EXCITED
12.05.04 (7:58 pm) [edit]I'm excited. Why you ask. Well, the reason that I am really ecstatic right not is because I am moving. Again. I moved into a house in September but now I am moving into an apartment. Okay, that probably sounds backwards right. I am moving into an apartment, out of a house and I am happy. But this apartment is really nice and my neighbors arent old people. The rent is only 325. Utilities run me about 125. So I'll be paying 450 instead of the current 600 I am paying now in my house. It is an upstairs apartment. They will let me keep my dog which is rare because a lot of apartments wont let you have a pet. There is a brand new stove, a garbage disposal, and a window that takes up one full wall in my living room. Very New Yorkish. I am excited. I will sign the lease on Friday! I am so thrilled right now. God, thank you so much for this opportunity. I thank my Lord because he is a good Lord!
Living Day By Day
11.29.04 (9:52 pm) [edit]I am waiting to send my Dad off so he can go back home. Michael will leave here in a few hours. I am trying to focus on all the tasks at hand and keep my head straight. My lord, Life is one big hassle. But I just dont care anymore. Michael and I are doing okay. We could always be better but who couldnt stand to be better. I am on a reading binge. I just finished "32AA". I am now reading "Confessions of a Shopaholic." It seems good so far. Christmas is coming so quickly. I have to put our tree up this week. I figure with all of my little breaks between work, I can put up a few decorations. I have 23 presents for this Christmas. I have to start writing up my Christmas cards. Send them out so they arrive before Christmas. Michael will love his gifts although I wont be able to get him the Jersey I had hoped for. Maybe later. I havent spoken to my sister. Despite the fact that it is the holiday season, I have no different feelings about the situation. I am stuck in my ways and that is just fine with me. I just hope my nephew remembers me and knows that my distance has nothing to do with him. Well, I'll see you all later. Hopefully I wont be too much of a stranger within the next few weeks. Happy Holidays. I hope all goes well with all of you. Leave a comment and spread Joy. I will try as best as I can. Much love. One!
WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR?
11.25.04 (6:07 pm) [edit]Let me know what you are thankful for. I hope your list is longer than mine.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
11.25.04 (4:47 pm) [edit]Yet I wonder what there is to really be thankful for.Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow.
ONE MORE TIME
11.25.04 (4:41 pm) [edit]If I see one more commercial for diamond rings, I'm gonna shoot myself in the fucking face. Why does it feel like when you cant have something is when it is magnified in front of you. SHIT! I am so completely lost into my own universe. I wish that I could just crawl into a whole and fade to black.
How is that someone can become so lost in revenge that they lose their sense of family. "I'll give you what I promised you if you sell your soul for petty revenge." I give up. This world will never change and neither will the people in it.
Perhaps I should just get on a bus and pick a new destination and run away. Perhaps that is the only thing left to do. I am so fed up with everyone. Michael's mother wants to control my life. I am so fed up with everyone trying to play my mother. Just let it go!
LET ME GO DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!